Losing the saltiness and light

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt should lose its taste, how can it be made salty? It’s no longer good for anything but to be thrown out and trampled on by men. “You are the light of the world. A city situated on a hill cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and puts it under a basket, but rather on a lampstand, and it gives light for all who are in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:13-16 HCSB http://bible.com/72/mat.5.13-16.HCSB

Recently, I have been able to step back from my role as a pastor to a local church. This decision to leave what I have invested my time, life and family in for the last five years was not an easy one but it was the right one. In the year leading up to my leaving I have been having a sense of unease in my life. It is that sense that you get when you don't feel like you are in the right place or doing the right thing, you can call it a gut feeling but I know deep down I'm in the wrong place and doing what I'm not called for. It was hard to process, having no place else to go and having invested so much in what I was doing, I did not want to let go. Letting go was hard.

What was harder still is the fact that as I look back, I can now see where it all went wrong in my life and why I was not in the right place and doing the right thing anymore. It is not that I have not done my duty as a pastor - teaching, preaching and giving spiritual guidance - but rather in the giving I have gotten lost in it all. Gotten lost because I have lost the vision and purpose of what God has called me to do. Lost because in losing that vision and purpose, I had become disconnected on a personal level with God. There were aspirations and visions for the future of the church but there was a stubbornness in moving from those with in the pews and I retreated. Not retreating into God but rather retreating into my mind and what I held on to as my calling and purpose. I held so tightly to those things that I had forgotten whom it was that gave it to me and instead have replaced the Giver with the given. And this is where I became lost. I tried to make it work, I tried to rework it so that it would work. But ultimately, I gave up when it seems like there is no more option.

In the end, it was the grace of God that brought me back. He created a crisis in my family and my life. We have gone through crisis before and we have worked through my bout of depressions in the past but this time it was different. I questioned my calling as a pastor. I tried leaving. But the deadening silence from God was overwhelming and His continual closing of doors and opportunities was hard to ignore. In the midst of this He said, "I have called and set you aside, you are a pastor and you are mine. Be the light you have been given." And in here, this is when I knew, I have sinned. I have tried to give and tried to serve and tried to bring about a vision set within my heart but at the end of the day God ask us for our life and worship not anything else. It was never our effort or our dedication to a vision or calling, it was to Him alone.

I was a salt that have lost its saltiness. I was a light that was covered. Covered when I allowed others to define the parameters of the vision. Covered when I decided to work at it on my own wisdom and strength. Covered when I reworked the calling and vision to fit my own comfort, circumstances and life. The covering dimmed the light. The covering started to snuff out the effectiveness of the light shining. The covering ultimately started to snuff out and starve the flame. I was a salt that have lost it saltiness and a light that have been covered.

This is a reminder. A reminder of our dependence upon God. A reminder of what our purpose and calling is. We are the salt and light to the world. This saltiness and this light is a reflection of God, it is the carrying of the Gospel. But in order to do that, we need to be connected and in tune to God. We need to be willing to submit ourselves to his refining process. We need to be willing to be where He wants us, doing the task He has for us. This is when we do the will of God and people will notice and lives will be changed.